i killed my daughter


The sleeping pills don’t help me to get any sleep. The painkillers aren’t doing anything to keep the pain away. The Valium isn’t doing anything to calm my racing thoughts. I think I’m in a fog, a fog that won’t let me process everything at once. A fog that makes me believe that just maybe this isn’t really happening to me. It’s been eleven days but it feels like it is still happening. 

There are some moments seared in my memory that no matter how I try to distract myself, I still feel them. I keep hearing the doctor say, “there is no heartbeat” I hear it over and over and over again in my mind. My throat still hurts from how much I screamed. It was a different kind of screaming than I’d ever done before, I was screaming from something far far worse than any sort of physical pain. 

Why? 
There are no answers. I may never get answers. I spend all my time obsessing over medical journals and finding all these statistics. Such as having high thyroid antibodies triples your risk of placental abruption – why was I never told this? I read that folic acid plays an important part in healthy placentas and wonder if it is because I took my pre natal vitamins too irregularly. She was never an active baby and I wonder why I didn’t act any earlier. 

I killed my daughter. 
I killed my daughter. 
I killed my daughter. 

I repeat it again and again in my mind. How do I live with myself knowing that she is dead. I think back to one week before her birth. We had a scan and she was perfectly healthy, the radiographer even mentioned that she was measuring exactly right for her due date. She told me the reason I hadn’t felt many kicks was because my placenta was in front of the baby. I asked her if that was normal and she said that my placenta looked perfect and was in a good position. How could things deteriorate so much in one week?How could there not have been any warning signs?

I was never one of those stressed pregnant ladies. I was calm and excited. I wasn’t even the slightest bit fearful of birth just excited. I don’t understand how this happened to me. I don’t know how to understand. I don’t know how to be a good mum to my other daughter. I look at Talilla and I see her do all the things that Elodie will never get a chance too. I think about the amazingly close sisterly bond they missed out on. 

Elodie will never feel the sun on her face.
She’ll never get her first set of teeth.
I’ll never get to comfort her after she scrapes her knee.
She’s never going to take her first steps.
She’s never going to say I love you mama.
She’s never going to get to fall in love.
She never even got to take a breath. 

 How do I live the rest of my life knowing all of this.

9 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. What about your husband? How's he? Why can't you hold on to him?

    I'm so sorry.

    All my love and strength,
    Home

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    1. My fiance is grieving too. It's just hard to find any comfort at this time.

      Thank you

      xo

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  3. Oh honey, my heart aches for you because I know the feeling on blaming yourself but please know you're not the one to blame. Mother nature took it's unfair cruel course and don't feel guilt because of that. I know it's hard to let yourself think that because there is no other explanation because your baby was healthy and alive only a few days ago. The "what did i do or did do?" thoughts fill your head and they're so hard to get out but please know you're not at fault here. please know that.
    It's hard to wrap your brain around everything because just a few days ago you had a living baby inside you... you want to scream at the doctors because you think they were lying about your baby being fine because you're baby is not fine, not anymore. You stress over the fact you didn't go see the doctors sooner when you felt something was wrong because you were told preciously by your doctor that your baby is healthy so you pushed those uneasy feelings to the side. You are surround by the silence of your sweet baby's birth, the lack of crying is deafening. I understand it all or had similar feelings as you're having now but know that that raw ache does go away, it really does. It's been a year and a half since I lost my Liam and I can finally breathe. He's always in my daily thoughts and thinking of him brings a smile to my face now instead of tears of sadness. I still have days where I break completely down to the point I cant even get out of bed because the ache is so strong... but that's rarely now. I don't know if having someone tell you that it'll get better with time will help you because at the beginning I didn't think it would ever get better... but it has.
    Healing from the loss of your sweet baby does not mean you're moving on or forgetting, it's allowing yourself to live again to see the joy in life again. You'll always have love for your sweet Elodie and she's always be apart of your life and heart, just remember there is still joy in the world... find it in the places you value most and keep those places close to you. Personally when I am having a very hard time (like I am having now) I look at Liam's belonging and pictures I have of him and the uplifting quotes I have about losing a baby, that really helps me a lot.

    Don't let anyone define your grief or limit your grief.. heal on your own time. It's something very inmate and personal, deal with it the best way for you.

    (I hope this helps a little or doesn't hurt you more in any way... stay strong)

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    1. Thank you so much for writing all that out. You are so strong. I really hope you right. It is just so hard to get past all the guilty thoughts in my head wishing I'd done anything different. I look forward to a time when thinking of Elodie will be mostly joyous.
      xo

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  4. Hayley, you are a good mama. Don't ever forget this! Please take time for yourself, to love yourself and to heal. ox You are strong.

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  5. You did not kill Elodie. It was not your fault and it will never be your fault. So, for the sake of yourself.. please do not beat yourself up over this because it wasn't your fault. You are an amazing and strong woman!

    Much condolences to you and your family for Elodie was a beautiful baby! I can't understand the loss of losing a child that you were so joyfully ready to receive but I can connect with you on losing someone since my own brother passed away, at age 14, two years ago. The circumstances for myself are definitely highly more complicated but losing anybody is never easy and never will be. And I can ask many of the same questions for my brother... He never experienced driving a car, marrying, having his own children, experiencing life, growing old, becoming an uncle, among other things and it is heartbreaking but do not dwell on these things.. as painful as they are. Though she may not have gotten to experience life to the fullest, she experienced love while she was in your stomach and experienced love when she came out. Whether or not you believe in a higher being, she is happy and she is well taken care of. She is part of this world, even if she did not get to be it. She is the love that embraces your family, the sky, the earth, the sun that shines on your face, the plants that grow, the animals that live on this earth. She is a part of this earth.. even if it is not necessarily physical. And I'm sure she'd want you to be happy and know that you didn't kill her.

    Time heals wounds. It doesn't mean forgetting or that you won't feel the sadness from time to time as time moves on but you will find happiness in the most unexpected of places. You will remember and it'll be bittersweet. You have your family that you interact with now and you will have more family in the future, whether you have more children or your own daughter has her own. You will love so much. And like mentioned, joy will come back. Right now is a time to grieve and grieve, let all the tears and thoughts that need to come out, out. Talk to people too, or connect with people who have dealt with the same pain (my mother did this after my brother passed away and still does, from time to time and I believe it helped a bit).

    I am more or less with Camille and hope that life shines for you in the near future. You are loved. By many. And have the support of many. :)

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    1. Thank you so much. It's really nice of you to type out all that and I'm very sorry to hear about your brother. I agree that it's not my fault but it's just something that does go through my thoughts at times and writing it out made me feel a bit better. Thanks again. Xo

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