2014


I tried to go out last night. I only made it till 9 o clock but I was still proud of myself. It was only the second time I had left the house but I think I’m realising I can’t stay in bed forever. 

It was strange seeing people I knew. I felt like everything in my life had changed yet nothing had changed to anyone else. No one really said anything too, which was strange. I guess no one wanted to upset me by bringing anything up but it was still strange. 


I like hearing Elodie’s name. It’s weird when people don’t say it. I know people mean well but sometimes when they say there thinking of Brett and Tilly and I while we’re going through this loss, I want to scream. She wasn’t just a loss. She was a person. A perfect little girl named Elodie. No one is ever going to get the chance to know her and that crushes me. 


I’m still alive though and the worlds still spinning and that mean something too. I feel like I can survive anything now. 


It’s weird because I have bad anxiety but at the same time I’m not really afraid of anything. The worst thing happened to me. It was so much worse than anything I’d ever worried about before. That’s why I feel like if I survive this then I can survive anything else. 


I was just with my friends at the beginning of the evening but as soon as I met up with Brett, I knew I just needed to go home. There were so many people and it was so loud. Everyone was filled with hope and excitement and partying. It was way too much for me and I started feeling ill.


We started walking home just as the fireworks started going off. It also started raining. It was a nice moment though, walking home together with the rain and the fireworks. It made me realise that there still is love in life. 


One day there will be hope again too. 


I was afraid to say goodbye to 2013 in a way as although it was the most painful year of my life it is also the only year I will get to spend time with my little girl. 


Elodie is still with us though in our hearts and she will always be part of the family. I hope I make her proud of me. I got to live while she died. That will never be right but hopefully I can live in a way that honours her. 


I think that is the one real resolution I have going into 2014 to make her proud.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, Hayley, my heart breaks for you! I am so glad you got to hold your beautiful Elodie, to look at her and cherish her. She IS proud of you, you are her mama and she can feel your love for her.

    Though I have never lost a child, I can relate to the grief- I lost my father when I was 12 years old, and even though it was so long ago, I vividly remember how devastated I was when one of my best friends acted as though nothing had happened. She said nothing, never acknowledged my loss, and there was nothing worse than that. Talking about it, acknowledging it, is the best thing a friend can do. I with I were close to you so you could tell me all about Elodie. I do enjoy reading about her. You are so strong and I admire you. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

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  2. I stumbled across your blog through a pinterest link. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I too lost a daughter in infancy. I send you strength and courage. If you have not yet found glow in the woods, seek it out. it was incredibly helpful to me after the loss of my sweet girl.

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